i love you sugar

i begin to notice it in the stores, glancing over in the direction wondering what holiday is coming up next.  as the day approaches, i notice people crowding the area.

at first i tell myself that i’ll do it later, i’ll wander over there and give it a go.  but i don’t.  maybe tomorrow, or the next time i’m in that store.

but i don’t, i can’t.

i don’t want to have the feelings that go along with being in that section at this particular time of year.  i want to banish the very idea of it.  go away, far, far away.

i think to myself, i should be strong and do this for my husband.  he’s a dad.  and a darn good one too.

the father’s day thing, it’s only more of a hassle because there’s hype, the stores want you to buy expensive things for your dads, to show your admiration.

i still miss you, i always will.

my world is a much different place without you, it’s not as safe.

i’m not sure anyone will be able to comfort me like you did.  not so much because they don’t try, maybe i don’t allow it.

you seemed to always know just the right thing to say, or when to say nothing, knowing and valuing the ability to listen.

despite not being your biological daughter, you raised me as if i were.  you knew love was beyond a genetic connection, you knew about the important stuff in life, the stuff we’ll regret on our death beds.

i wish i could have had you around a little longer.  the last three months of your life were painful not only for you but for your loved ones.   you had a way of making people feel welcome, important, and most of all loved.  i try to carry those traits each day as i venture out into the world, sharing a little bit of you with anyone i meet.

thanks for being my dad, and always knowing exactly where i had an itch on my back or exactly where i needed my shoulders rubbed.

no card this year, maybe i’ll try again next year.