i’m qualified to do most anything, but i won’t worship satan.

dear prospective employer,

only three short years ago, i resigned from my position at a very large company, a career that i was very happy with, and in all seriousness a group of people that were like a second family to me. 

(sidenote:  i’ve re-connected with many of them on facebook and this makes me very happy.  in fact, facebook is where i mingle with the majority of my real life friends.)

there were a few reasons that i resigned but the biggest reason is that my dad got sick and i wanted to be around to help out instead of flying away on big airplanes.  another reason is that i wanted to be at home for my kids, not flying off on big airplanes.

lastly, my last manager was satan.

having had some time to think about what venture i’d like to take on next, i’ve come up with some solid ideas.  not necessarily a specific job, but ideas.  note the difference in those two words, i would not want to mislead you.

the work that i am particularly interested in would be one that pays me with real money, and not with backward compliments of “show me your boobs” that my husband believes to be compensation for all my hard work.

i prefer to come right out and ask for what i want, eliminating the mystery.  i’m not down with mystery, it has it’s place but not with anything pertaining to gettin’ paid.

i am not a typical person, i rarely follow the “accepted” forms of conformity.   i respect the place for conformity in our  societal structure.   i can stand in your barn and appear as if i am like all of the other farm animals.

i bathe regularly, brush/floss my teeth, and i don’t worship satan.  my nonconformity prefers to stay under the radar, i’ve learned it’s important to hold your cards close in the areas of business.

depending on the situation or challenge, i enjoy being the dark horse, the one that comes up at the end after you’ve already bet your mortgage on “the other guy”.  in fact, this is my specialty.  to fully embrace all that is me, you have to give me plenty of freedom, lots of respect, and variety.  variety is extremely important to me.

as you know, america is going through a very exciting growth cycle.  i see our recent election of a barack obama as a symbol that america is finally ready for serious change and opportunity, even though it will be a little uncomfortable until we ground ourselves again.

in fact, i’ve come up with my own tag line for this period in america.  i hope you like it.  i am calling this period “the parting the WHITE SEA”. it is time for people to come out of their protective barriers a little more, to go for the brass ring, to JUST ASK for what they really want.

notice that i won’t bore you with that boring old  “corporate speak”, giving you my five year plan, my strengths (i am a workaholic, i love chaos, etc.) and my weaknesses (i don’t take vacations, i could NOT care less about my family so please give me lots of do), that would be too “ordinary”.

as you read through the list i am confident you will want to hire me immediately.  you may not have a specific slot for me, but i would advise you to go ahead and put me on your payroll and we can figure it out together.

in fact, i’ll even offer you a 30 day plan.  if you are not completely satisfied with me, you are under no obligation to keep me after 30 days.

• i’m funny, pretty and positive.
• i am an excellent sharer.
• i can turn the cuss on or off depending on the situation.
• based on my inbred expertise in the world of codependency, you’ll find that i am very adept in the practice of mind reading.  i will be able to anticipate your needs many times prior to you even realizing you need it.
• i like to write.
• i love to read.
• i like all animals, including children.
• i can make homemade blueberry pie (you can see the photos here).
• i enjoy meeting new people, but do not like energy vampires (just the real kind of vampires).
• i am very creative.
• i really enjoy being with most people (as long as they are not slow left hand lane drivers, or slow walking people that trap me behind them).
• if i believe strongly in something, i can sell it without question.
• i do not drink alcohol or take street drugs; this will save you considerable money in the EAP department, insurance, sick days, and expense reports.
• music can motivate me to do just about anything.
• i can swallow fire.
• i can do fancy napkin folding.
• i’ve had a variety of different jobs throughout my life, having only been fired ONCE in my long career of employment.  most of these jobs have had a base of customer service. during my stint as a collections person i made friends with our debtors.  in fact, the meaner they were the more i enjoyed trying to turn their frowns upside down.  true story.
• i was either first or second chair flute from the fourth grade until eleventh grade.  i took music theory in my senior year.
• fancy pageant walkin’ (just like sarah palin!)
• i love technology.
• i am good with home repairs, fixing things is my specialty.
• i painted almost our entire house interior by myself .
• i can groom dogs, children, and everything in between.
• i love research and learning new stuff every single day.
• despite what you see here, i *am* capable of using uppercase letters.
• sometimes, i’m an idiot.

in closing i assure you that this is not a complete, nor final list of my experience, abilities, and gifts.  surprisingly, no one pays me to blog.  my creation and maintaining this blog clearly demonstrates my ability to maintain and honor commitments in addition to keeping up with the newest technology.

i won’t try and tell you how to do your job, but i think what a person does in their life when money isn’t on the table is an important look into their character.

you may contact me via email:  dailypiglet at yahoo dot com.   feel free to view my linked in profile for further details.

i appreciate your time and consideration.

sincerely,

leah daily piglet

*this is a real attempt to attract gainful employment, however silly it may appear.