i’m a blathering idiot, but it’s good toilet reading material

sampson, our puppy was neutered on monday. this, just three days after his emergency trip to the vet on friday night for an allergic reaction to something. i felt bad taking him there, knowing what would happen and then picking him up, thinking he’d be sad.

i had a hard time when we our female, sunday was spayed.  the idea of removing all of her girlie parts and what that means.

this is what i was thinking about this morning, how we project our *static* or *stuff* onto our children and our pets without even knowing we are doing it.

out of the goodness of my heart, i’ve shared my theories with other people and it’s usually met with a nod of the head, the “sure, whatever you say” as they slowly back away.

i know what’s going on in their heads, “maybe YOU , crazy lady do that, but I do not”.

my “home grown” ideas about children and animals are a combined hot tranny mess of: the dog whisperer, my own personal life and recovery, therapy, rumors, picture books, things found on the bathroom walls at dirty gas stations, and watching bernie mac’s sitcom.

i know, you are astounded at my wealth of experience AND knowledge gained from such untypical places. fear not, you too can be like me.

there was an episode of the dog whisperer in which a dog would howl from the sound of a machine in the garage. any time the husband would go to the garage and turn on this machine, the dog would howl for hours.

they needed the dog whisperer to come to their home and evaluate the situation. he did. the dog whisperer found that the wife was actually annoyed with the husband going into the garage and making loud noises. in fact, if i remember correctly (which i probably don’t) she was annoyed with how much time the husband spent in the garage.

i’m sitting in my garage right now, which i guess makes me the husband for your ordinary marriages b/c i spend a lot of time in our garage.

animals sense human being’s energy, they can tell when you are nervous, afraid, happy, and sad. they don’t know what to do with this weird feeling they get, so sometimes they will just howl.

my god i wish i could howl to relieve my anxiety. I know first hand that people will look at your weird and call the police on you. (hopefully it’ll be a nice police officer like the one that came to my house.)

our children pick up on the same stuff, and they have no fucking clue what to do with it either. (hence, parents are capable of projecting their own issues on to their very own children.) issues that the parent may not even be aware they have, or think they’ve “dealt” with it and it’s in the past.

let that sink in dear reader for a moment.

our life experiences not only stay in our minds, but in our bodies, and in our souls. ever been in a car wreck? your body never forgets that impact.  no matter how much you think you’ve pushed something down and forgotten about it, other parts of you have not forgotten.

i’m going to use computers as a comparison. you can delete things from your computer, and then dump the trash and you think it’s gone. but, it’s not. there are programs to pull the data from your registry and put it all back together like you never even removed it. you can have one program running in the front but there are many others in the background that support that one program you are running, in addition to all the pockets and temporary files where the data gets stored.

this has become one of my favorite analogies, due to how very much computers are like the human mind. you may read that and think, “this girl is bat shit crazy”. you would not be the first to declare this upon me, and hopefully not the last.

you know how all those bad things that happened to you in your life, you swore that if you ever had kids they would never live with the sadness and heartbreak of your life’s troubles? remember that? yes, i remember that too. me, with a big M on my shirt for SUPER MOMMY thought my children will not suffer the pains of life that i had to endure. no way.

perhaps you’ve heard of that expression, “sins of the father”? i think it comes to us from the bible, altho as a heathen, i cannot be 100% sure. most of us are doomed to repeat the sins of our mothers and fathers and there usually isn’t a lot we can do about it.

even if you look at your life and say, “there is no way in heck my life is like my parents”.  look a little closer, don’t get stuck on the type of car, or house, or how much money you have to draw the comparison.  it’s much more subtle than that stuff.

there are many that are under the belief that they have healed their wounds, yet they’ve raised their girls in a manner to believe having sex at a young age is ok. now, if you were to present this theory to said mother who believes they’ve healed their past, said mother will gasp and scoff at such a ridiculous accusation. get all the gasping and scoffing out and see the reality of what is there.

sex, sex, sex b/c some adult women think it is “cute” to dress up little girls in sexy outfits and not only allow but persuade them to wear makeup. all of that “cutesy” stuff unfortunately in our society has a LOT more involved with it than just being cute.

look at what happened to britney spears. is that her parents fault? maybe, but i  pretty much blame disney for that shit. disney shoved the manufactured britney spears down our throats, and our children’s throats. be like britney, wear makeup, wear revealing clothes, be britney.

for those out there that road along on that train, have you noticed where britney is now?

based on my own personal experience, i firmly believe that we project our *stuff* onto our own children without even realizing it.

after coming through a really tough period of times in which my denial was no longer able to serve me, i realized that i never even had a chance. my experiences as a child were almost unavoidable, despite the fact that my mom did everything she could to protect us from bad things.

nor, did she realize that her fears and her anxieties would amount to me having her same experiences.

and this, is the sort of thing that i can get from our dog getting neutered.

luke and gymnastics

this first video is of luke on the rings.  you’ll notice that he looks over to his right during the event b/c my mom was sitting close by.  she must have gasped or something, she did the gasp thing right as i was pushing luke out of my body, he was crowning.  her gasp made me think i was pushing out an alien for real, or that something went horribly wrong.  i’m not going to let her sit so close anymore due to her inability to control her gasping.

he was only one that did the rings, the other boy was a level 2 and was a bit more advanced than luke and did his specialized routine on the pummel horse.  it takes quite a bit of strength to do the pummel horse, have you ever REALLY looked at gymnasts? they are strong.

the floor routine, he originally asked them if they had any john lennon in their selection (swear to god), they did not, so he settled for lenny kravitz.  close enough.

picture of luke and his big sister, she’s very proud of he.

a recap of last week, boy howdy you got to wonder why they can’t all be like this.

*note:  this post has more updates then i don’t know what.  my daughter took the photo that’s in my header, and i added the color.  the girl has a good eye for photo taking.

last week was a hot tranny mess.

(note to those that just rolled their eyes into the back of their heads, i’ve only just learned of this term, i know it’s been “out” for a while.  i want the same opportunity to overuse it like everybody else.  especially since i’m a social retard that just found out about it.)

wednesday, my car would not turn off and it melted a hose.

thursday, the car fixing people came out to determine what went wrong on wednesday and told my husband that the car could have caught fire, and then exploded. it’s going to take a lot of money to fix my car.  i went to my mom’s to borrow her car and the husband and i battled wasps, and a dead battery.

friday started out pretty well, my son had his gymnastics “show” on friday.  the day campers worked on their own routines all week and friday would be the show complete with trophies.  i’ve got some videos of that to upload, the videos are so cute you’ll want to pinch his cheeks.

later on that friday night, our 7 month old puppy sampson came in from the outside and was aggressively rubbing his face into the carpet as if he was trying to scratch it. i was on my way to put the boy to bed so i asked the husband if he might rinse sampson’s eyes with water.

shortly after i went upstairs sampson came into luke’s room and his face was swollen quite a bit within just a few minutes.  i called down to husband that we needed to take sampson to the emergency vet.  so everyone piled up in the truck and off we went.  i had my husband jam a benadryl down sampson’s throat to help ease the allergic reaction.

we wondered as we drove if he’d been bitten by a copperhead snake since we have those down here.  luckily, it was not a copperhead, the vet said they leave puncture wounds.  he surmised it was a wasp, an ant, or something of that nature.  the photo below is one of sampson after we brought him home from the vet, jacked up on benadryl and steroids, and then today.  he’s gone back to his normal face.

i’m not sure i mentioned what i did on saturday, i was not only allowed to attend but  i got to work as a volunteer for our pride festival in downtown charlotte, nc.  just in case i didn’t mention it, i wanted to be sure i’ve got it in this post for posterity.  oh, and i took pictures and video.  those are always fun, pictures and videos.

the icing on the cake for saturday night was tuning in to my new favorite show, “be the marriage on ice” AND getting to hear the caveman speak.  it was monumental due to the caveman being of the discreet variety of cavemen.

i’ve started to wonder if my husband’s family name has a curse on it.  you know, like the kennedys?  of course anything that is wrong is always his fault.  i’m glad that he’s strong enough to endure that type of blame and still love me.

today was a great day of lounging around watching tv and then we all went to see the movie, journey to the center of the earth in 3D.  i don’t recall 3D being that cool but by golly it was awesome.  the whole audience was jumping and the visual parts of it are really beautiful.  (definitely a corny movie but a great one to see with the kids.)

i’ve got my fingers crossed for next week (not really), but either way i know we’ll be ok b/c we’re cool like that.

more on me being a pride virgin

it was my first time, making me a “pride virgin” and i had no idea what to expect.  i technically only knew of one person that was to be there, my friend from the north.

after the training on thursday, i said to my daughter “i sure am glad that’s over, i had to talk to people i didn’t know”.  she said, “you do that wherever you go”.  i was like, “really”?  i guess i do, but it still makes me slightly uncomfortable.

i can tell you that even i get nervous with anxiety about going to new places in which i might not know anyone.  i am pleased that i can move forward despite my anxiety and fear.  true growth lies in the areas of the unknown and uncomfortable.  if you are comfortable all the time, you are probably not growing too much.  but hey, that’s just my personal opinion and a lot of people are not interested in growing.

as a pride virgin, i had NO IDEAR what to expect and was very surprised that there was a slight danger to volunteering.  i was told that people will shout, they will call you names and their hate might spike out on you like spit-talking.

i asked my friend if she thought my daughter could attend, and she told me that it probably wasn’t a good idea due to the protesters.  i asked daughter if she was interested in attending the training and she said yes.  i told her that i didn’t want her attending on the day of the festival due to the danger.  and, if anyone had so much as looked at her wrong, i could very well go bat shit crazy.

she enjoyed the training and being around several gay people in one place (training day) and was surprised that they are just like everyone else.  i’m not sure why this shocked me, b/c i have many friends that are gay and she’s met many of them.  i suppose i took it for granted that it would be a new experience for her, at least new for her 14 year old self.

i thought about this and was like, dang i bet there are other people out there even adults that expect something magical to happen when surrounded by “the gays”.  i suppose this is normal human behavior, and part of where hate gets implanted into young minds.  hate that stems from ignorance, which is the worst kind.  how many of you out there think you are smart, yet you hate others who are different from you.

different in skin color, religious beliefs, etc.  i think prejudice is an inborn trait for most humans, it isn’t something we can always rule out.  i was raised to be open minded to all people regardless of their differences.  i found that i was becoming quite prejudice of prejudice people, therefore making me a prejudice person right?

when i was working out of town and coming back to the hotel after dinner out and i’d see a man, was i just a tad nervous that a man was approaching and the knowledge of my past experiences with men and the danger they can bring?  yep, i sure was.  i was cautious.  doesn’t that mean i held a prejudice?

i respect families having their own traditions, their own “rules”, and their own practices.  this doesn’t mean i have to hate them b/c they are different does it?  no.  sure, it was weird to be surrounded by women kissing other women, holding hands and loving each other.  it was weird b/c it’s not something you see everyday.

that is the only reason it was weird.  just b/c it wasn’t something i see everyday.  the love that pulsed from everyone and swirled above the crowd was love in it’s purest form.  the love that we all seek, the acceptance that we all seek, and the recognition that yes i love a person of my same sex and there isn’t a fucking thing wrong with that.

the events on saturday were not quite as bad as i’d imagined they could have been.  this means a few things to me, one acceptance is growing and more and more people are moving beyond their fears.   two, more and more people that are gay are allowing themselves to become free of the prison of trying to be someone they aren’t.

i’ve written before about a friend from high school that took her own life during her first year in college, she was an excellent athelite, a straight “A” student and she was beautiful.  she took her life b/c she realized she was gay.  THIS is why i reach out beyond my comfort zone, maybe someone’s child won’t die b/c they love a person of the same sex.  no parent should ever attend their chidlren’s funeral, it’s supposed to be the other way around.  especially, not for something so fucking important as who we love.

tranny, gay, and straight oh my!

holy crap!  i’m telling you right now that if you ever have the chance to attend a pride festival you should totally do it.  and?  guess what else?

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE GAY!

SERIOUSLY!

i know, you’ve only dreamed about attending a pride day celebration and thought you wouldn’t be welcomed with loving arms.  ALAS!  the piglet is here to tell you, you can GO!

a friend that i’ve had for many years who hails from connecticut originally, but settled with her husband and son in north carolina hooked me up for this activity.  she sent me an email a bunch of weeks back and i read it and thought “wow!  i’d LOVE to help out”!  and i never called her back b/c i tend to get entirely too caught up in my daily duties and do not like doing the phone thing very much anyway.  i’ve become very slack in returning calls.  once i figure out how to do it without using the phone, i’m signing up.

lucky for me, i ran into her at the baby shower of the famous “boo hag” and got it squared away.

can i just tell you that i am very glad that i got hooked up?  it was an amazing experience for me on so many levels that i haven’t even figured them all out yet.

another amazing thing about it?  i was able to stand silently while protesters were screaming at me for being a sinner, telling me that i was going to hell.  is it obvious that i’m not a wall flower?  i come from a very long line of strong and independent women that sometimes do not know when to SHUT UP.

another aspect on this progressive front is that recently, i had to withstand some completely untrue things being said about me, and i sailed through it.  ME!  mouth of the south sailed through it!  could this be that i am actually maturing?  go me.

my duty at the festival, a part of a group called “partners in peace” also known as pip.

we were there to create a presence in the event things got ugly, to  serve as a buffer for the event attendees.  the protesters were handing out pamphlets to attendees, our group would offer to take them  to recycle.  as you can imagine, the protesters didn’t like that.

i saw many old friends that i have lost touch with over the years, and i really enjoyed being a part of something so awesome.  the bonus part of service work is that you are totally doing something that makes use of you as a human being.  far, far away from my normal narcissistic ways.

all of the masks were dropped at the door and being with humans without masks in a public place is better than free ice cream or being first in line at the dmv.