Ira Glass: your life is in danger!

Dear Ira Glass,

It has recently come to my attention that you may, or may not be following a certain deranged blogger that goes by the name of The Bloggess.

Due to my undying loyalty, respect and stalker-like ways I felt it imperative that I bring to your attention the background of this woman. She is, in fact a self proclaimed stalker of famous people.

Perhaps you’ve heard of a woman named Amy Sedaris?

Have you heard anything of her recently? No, you haven’t. I suspect the Bloggess has something to do with Amy’s disappearance.

I present you with evidence supporting Amy’s disappearance and the connection to the one and only, BLOGGESS!

• Item #1, Love Letter to Amy. In this letter, she tries to communicate to Amy why they should be friends. She lies to Amy claiming that she likes cupcakes.
  

• Item #2, On the Outs with Amy Sedaris. In this post, she’s starting to lose the facade of normal. She takes back the whole love of cupcakes thing (you’ll note in the first letter she tells Amy that she loves cupcakes, but she really doesn’t) and makes fun of Amy’s rabbit.

• Item #3, Almost exactly like Amy Sedaris. In this post, she decides to try be nice again by posting pictures of Amy wearing a Heidi frock that the Bloggess claims to own one of already. You and I both know that she ran out and bought a Heidi dress JUST to copy Amy.

Ira, my theory is that the Bloggess cooked Amy Sedaris. She put her in a pot, boiled her up using the very same “balls” recipe that Amy presented on Martha Stewart’s cooking show. So, you see Ira, your very life is in grave danger. The purpose of this letter is to demand that you and your wife come to my house in order to be safe.

You may wonder why my house is safer than yours. Between you and me, I have special powers Ira. The Bloggess is quite aware of my powers and she fears me. If only I’d gotten to Amy in time, she would still walk the earth.

For your convenience, I’ve gone ahead and made all your travel arrangements to get you to my house safely. Due to public transportation being too dangerous, I’ve arranged for my flying monkeys to pick you up in the early morning hours of July 4th. (Secret note to Ira: this isn’t really the date I’ve picked, but I wanted to be sure that the Bloggess doesn’t intercept this message.)

You’ll know it’s time to go when you see the flying monkeys circling your home. They are prepared to use suction in order to lift you up into the spaceship that I’ve prepared especially for you and the Missus.

Go ahead and pack up your things, your wife’s things and anything you wish to keep so that when the monkeys arrive you’ll be ready to go.

Whatever you do, never look the monkeys directly in the eye.

Oh! I almost forgot, be sure to stock up on twinkies, coke, lima beans and coca powder. The monkeys can only exist on these food items when they are in transportation mode.

I wish you all the best, and please Ira keep your eyes open and your ears clear of any debris.

Your Biggest Fan,

Piglet

p.s. In order to further protect you, I’m including a never before seen photo of the Bloggess during her last stay in the loony bin.