apparently

my son’s word of the day is “apparently”.

he was dropped off last week after going to the movies, i was in the garage. he got out of the vehicle, walking past me he said, “apparently we didn’t eat anything at the movies”.

later, he said “apparently we didn’t go to the pool today”.

i do not think he’s using it in it’s intended meaning, but it’s funny from a sarcasm angle.

thug life

i’ve taken a “shine” to a man that owns a local franchise similar to kinko’s with more emphasis on the mailing and shipping aspect of things.

when he first opened i went in to thank him for finally arriving, due to our town being held hostage by the post office nazi’s across the street. seriously, these people were psychos and god forbid if you had a question.

i’ve grown quite fond of him, and when i am fond of people i tend to chastise them. he’s smart and tells me stories about living in california. his step-son works with him, and he’s pretty rowdy too. (by rowdy, i mean sarcastic.)

the other day while there, i was being helped by the son and we got on the subject of blogging. he proclaimed that blogging is what is wrong with the internet. i responded with, “you can’t making a sweeping judgment like that”. there are good things that come about as a result of blogging.

shortly after that, another customer came in and mentioned something about california. the state of california.

“california love” (tupac) popped in mah head and i started singing it. the son reacted strangely and said to me, “i never would have suspected you to be a tupac fan”. i told him this is precisely what he is missing by not appreciating bloggers.

i started my mantra of, people wearing masks in day to day lives, not admitting certain truths or being who they really are, and how blogging brings people out of their closets and into a socializing atmosphere. not only that, but you can learn a TON o’ stuff by reading blogs.

i told him there are a bunch of mommies out there that like rap and other things he wouldn’t expect (sex). trying to impress him even more, i say “i saw snoop dogg in concert” (true story) and the time i was on a business trip to los angeles i drove around in compton by myself in a rental car, and while in vegas finding the spot in which tupac got shot (the last time).

i think i fly my freak flag pretty openly in person as i do here on the internets. (for those that know me in person, please weigh in on whether you agree that i am goofy like that.)

i can appreciate the need for social masks, i’m not dogging folks who act normal out in public. i try to walk the path of the normals when in public but sometimes things just roll out before i know they’ve left.

i got nuttin’ but love for ya.

Ira Glass: your life is in danger!

Dear Ira Glass,

It has recently come to my attention that you may, or may not be following a certain deranged blogger that goes by the name of The Bloggess.

Due to my undying loyalty, respect and stalker-like ways I felt it imperative that I bring to your attention the background of this woman. She is, in fact a self proclaimed stalker of famous people.

Perhaps you’ve heard of a woman named Amy Sedaris?

Have you heard anything of her recently? No, you haven’t. I suspect the Bloggess has something to do with Amy’s disappearance.

I present you with evidence supporting Amy’s disappearance and the connection to the one and only, BLOGGESS!

• Item #1, Love Letter to Amy. In this letter, she tries to communicate to Amy why they should be friends. She lies to Amy claiming that she likes cupcakes.
  

• Item #2, On the Outs with Amy Sedaris. In this post, she’s starting to lose the facade of normal. She takes back the whole love of cupcakes thing (you’ll note in the first letter she tells Amy that she loves cupcakes, but she really doesn’t) and makes fun of Amy’s rabbit.

• Item #3, Almost exactly like Amy Sedaris. In this post, she decides to try be nice again by posting pictures of Amy wearing a Heidi frock that the Bloggess claims to own one of already. You and I both know that she ran out and bought a Heidi dress JUST to copy Amy.

Ira, my theory is that the Bloggess cooked Amy Sedaris. She put her in a pot, boiled her up using the very same “balls” recipe that Amy presented on Martha Stewart’s cooking show. So, you see Ira, your very life is in grave danger. The purpose of this letter is to demand that you and your wife come to my house in order to be safe.

You may wonder why my house is safer than yours. Between you and me, I have special powers Ira. The Bloggess is quite aware of my powers and she fears me. If only I’d gotten to Amy in time, she would still walk the earth.

For your convenience, I’ve gone ahead and made all your travel arrangements to get you to my house safely. Due to public transportation being too dangerous, I’ve arranged for my flying monkeys to pick you up in the early morning hours of July 4th. (Secret note to Ira: this isn’t really the date I’ve picked, but I wanted to be sure that the Bloggess doesn’t intercept this message.)

You’ll know it’s time to go when you see the flying monkeys circling your home. They are prepared to use suction in order to lift you up into the spaceship that I’ve prepared especially for you and the Missus.

Go ahead and pack up your things, your wife’s things and anything you wish to keep so that when the monkeys arrive you’ll be ready to go.

Whatever you do, never look the monkeys directly in the eye.

Oh! I almost forgot, be sure to stock up on twinkies, coke, lima beans and coca powder. The monkeys can only exist on these food items when they are in transportation mode.

I wish you all the best, and please Ira keep your eyes open and your ears clear of any debris.

Your Biggest Fan,

Piglet

p.s. In order to further protect you, I’m including a never before seen photo of the Bloggess during her last stay in the loony bin.

funnies

i met my friend marty during a software conversion in texas. we both worked for the same company, hers was the newly acquired one that needed to get y2k compliant. it was a rush conversion. software conversions should never be rushed. bad things happen when you rush a conversion.

have i got that point completely clear? SOFTWARE CONVERSIONS SHOULD NEVER BE RUSHED.

marty and i bonded almost instantly, at least for me we did. we first spoke over the phone and she made me laugh out loud and she hasn’t stopped making me laugh since. she’s one of those people that make up for all the idiots that walk the earth who are not kind, the kind of friend that is hard to find.

we wouldn’t meet until many months later. a bunch of us went out to eat at place called “joe’s crabshack”. i can be a bit clumsy and marty thought i was already knee deep drunk before she’d even arrived. when i told her i was stone cold sober, i think she had her doubts. people that don’t know me well often have a hard believing that i’m sober. many times, i explain this is why i don’t drink.

i’m very happy that marty and i have remained friends even though we both are long gone from that company. she emailed me the following funnies, ones i haven’t seen before so i figured i’d share them with “ya’ll”.

it’s JUNE 24TH, 2008

as of today,

i have been sober for

17

years

bitches.

on june 24th, 1991 i picked up (hopefully my last) a white chip. (this was after being sober for 14 months the first time, i went back out). i only have one day at a time, my daily reprieve thanks to the “design for living” outlined in the big book.

no mind altering drugs, or alcohol in SEVENTEEN YEARS. no glass of wine just to settle my nerves here and there, or valium if the world gets too hectic. (not that i consider either of those to be a bad thing, i don’t), it’s just not something i choose to participate in. i can honestly tell you that i don’t miss that.

sitting in church basements drinking bad coffee, smoking too many cigarettes, many many meetings (wherever i lived or wherever i traveled), 12 step calls, phone duty at intergroup, sponsoring women, lots of service work, being honest with myself, working the steps, trusting god, having great sponsors, one day at at time is how i stay sober. (contrary to popular belief, will power has nothing to do with staying sober for me. i have no will power.)

“it’s main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.” page 45, 2nd paragraph, big book of alcoholics anonymous.

p.s.

i’m still sad about carlin, i reckon he’s keeping my da company and they are trading stories. they were born in the same year, carlin was a few months older than my da.