retarded auto-pilot

this is a post that i’ve been writing in my head for a couple of months. after seeing the movie juno i began thinking about past relationships that i’ve had with people in which i had no idea of how they actually felt about me, equally for friendships AND romantic relationships.

i have come to understand that the way i view myself is grossly distorted.

one aspect of the movie; juno being totally in love with bleeker, and bleeker having no idea that she was crushing on him. possibly due to her habit of insulting him. i can relate to this on many levels.

let me set a scene for you, me at a young age spotting a cute boy.

my brain: “wow he is smart, funny, and beautiful.”
the response from elsewhere in my brain: “yeah, but you can just forget about it b/c that boy would never like you back.”
my brain: “yeah, you’re right i’ll skip it.”

that cute boy walks over to me and i immediately do one of the following; run, or walk away fast. (walking away as fast as i can hoping he isn’t looking at my butt.)

another option, if he is able to get close to me by sneaking up i immediately say the stupidest thing that i can come up with, and quickly insult him.

i had no control, i was on retarded auto-pilot.

my brain instantly begins to chastise me with “you are SUCH an idiot.”
my response: “yep, i did it again.”

a few months ago a very good friend told me that he used to have a crush on me a million years ago and asked me if i knew. i replied that i did not know about his crush, but thanked him for telling me, b/c it was flattering.

another example of my chumpness, goes back about 10 years.

i was at a party with my boyfriend of two years, and walked into the kitchen. there was a guy i knew vaguely that started up with some small talk, and then he asked me out. on a date. i was stunned, looking at him in disbelief. i asked him, “are you asking me out on a date?” he replied, that in fact he was. i responded with, “don’t you know that i have a boyfriend?”

or, my very favorite. i see a person waving and smiling in my direction, i turn to see who is behind me b/c i usually assume they are not smiling or waving at me.

i am a little better with this than when i was younger, altho it was a nothing less than a miracle that my husband and i ever got together. we are both painfully shy in the romance department. my big first move was touching his arm with my index finger at the very top of the san antonio version of the space needle.

in closing of my little story about my quirky sense of self, there was a man that i had an on/off relationship with for at least ten years (maybe longer) that we never fully defined. i considered him a soul mate, there was a connection that i never fully understood and oddly, i was always too fearful to ask. in all those years, this man and i went through some very intense times together.

i only once told him that i loved him, despite the fact that i fell in love with him the first time i met him.