i had an “episode” today while in the cvs drugstore.
the deal was that i was to go to my son’s school to help out his teachers with upcoming school projects. usually it involves cutting out shapes in construction paper, gluing stuff, stapling books, that kind of thing. i was running late as usual which put me in a panic. (something i find disturbing is that i hate being late yet i keep doing it.)
i’d told my son i’d bring him lunch, but i needed to swing by the drugstore. due to my lateness, i only had time to pick up his lunch and drop it off. i told his teacher i’d be right back b/c i thought i would.
went to cvs, standing entirely too long for two items. i’m pretty sure that it was a very slow process precisely b/c i was running late. i mean, who needs to feel relaxed and content for making smarter choices with their time? not me, no sir. i must like the anxiety and panic, my two best friends.
i headed back to school and ran into tmim in the parking lot, we chatted for a few minutes and i looked for my phone before heading into the school. i couldn’t find my phone and i began to panic. tmim called my cell to see if we could find it in the truck. no luck.
i walked back into the school to ask if anyone had turned in a cell phone in the cafeteria, nope. i became increasingly agitated for not being able to find my phone. i’m not certain why i was taking it so badly, but i was.
i drove back to cvs and the man who checked me out wasn’t there, the mean lady that i don’t like was. she was helping a man find the correct batteries that were on sale. i waited for her to get back behind the counter to ask about the man that wasn’t there. she told me he was the manager and was only filling in. i asked her if i could speak with him. she told me to wait a moment.
so i waited a moment. and another, and another, and so on. she kept going on and on with the customer about the batteries. i thought she was going to ring the customer up but no, she left the counter again to the battery section. (i had hoped that she could page the manager and ring up the customer.)
i asked her if there was anyone else that could help me and she said no. i got mad. i asked her why was she the only person that could call the manager. she got mad in response to my mad. i tried to explain that i was in a small hurry, but she didn’t care.
again, i got loud proclaimed that i could not believe she couldn’t just pick up the phone and page the manager while she’s ringing this guy up. the customer she was helping, tried to step in and say something snide to me. i stopped him very quickly with, “this is of no concern to you, save it”.
then i stomped back to the pharmacy to find a person that wasn’t an idiot.
as i began walking back i hear the mean lady up front paging for security, funny how she could pick up the intercom for that but not for me. (i’ll have you know i didn’t threaten her nor was i wielding a weapon.)
a person in the pharmacy paged the manager for me. the manager, the one who rang me up earlier came walking towards me and i explained my situation including my part in getting belligerent in response to the meanness of the cashier lady.
he was very kind and b/c of this, i started crying. not just crying, but hysterical wailing. he offered the store phone so i could call my cell. meanwhile, he walked around the register area then front door and outside a little to see if he could hear it. no luck. i was still crying and wondering why i was freaking out so bad.
the mean lady stepped in and said something, i managed to make amends for my outburst to her. the manager walked me to the truck and asked me to leave my name and number in case it turned up. i was very grateful for his kindness.
i got back to the school much later and remembered that my phone was on vibrate, and there would be no way i would be able to hear it. i started looking in the truck a little more and found it under the seat.
i have some theories as to why i fell victim to my own crazy and cried in front of people. it could be pms, it could be that i feel overwhelmed most of the time, and exercising some behavior modification that gives me a feeling of not being in control.
the whole point for my particular behavior modification is releasing control. it’s weird how you go through the process of thinking about an action, then actually doing it, and then the emotions come a bit later to really put you through the test.
Posted by leah 
