this will be a story about a dress, and how i kind of lost my mind over the dress.
before i get to the part about the dress, i have to explain a little about the fun that is me.
for most of my life i’ve been a “pay my own way” type of gal. that in and of itself is not a big deal, but i took it entirely too far. the reason i took it too far was to protect myself from ever being controlled. i often wonder if this has something to do with my catholic upbringing.
some of the warnings i picked up during my catholic school training were, “be careful how you dress, b/c men only want one thing and they have no self control.”
“if something you are wearing attracts a man and if something negative happens as a result then it’s your own fault.”
another one, “if you let a man pay it is hidden message for you owing him something in return (most likely sexual favors).”
lucky for me, all of this was backed up within the general population.
the way my brain works is that bits and pieces of information come into my head and they get immediately “stamped” or “translated” into more simple categories. categories like, BAD, VERY BAD, WRONG, VERY WRONG, RUN.
this method works very well in some areas, but not so much in others. it causes certain important details to get lost. usually, the important details that i will need later.
still with me?
my first big relationship consisting of the person spending the night one time and just never went home (this is a common alcoholic tendency–why waste time on dating when you can just cut to the chase). i never once allowed him to pay rent. he would buy groceries, keep us supplied with certain “party supplies”, etc. it only took me about 12 years to realize how stupid that was.
on to the dress story.
i had to pick a dress for a company christmas party and i’d been searching far and wide. i found the dress shopping with my husband (i have trouble matching my colors and the husband is much better at it than i am). this dress was the most expensive piece of clothing that i ever considered buying.
i really wanted it, i felt like a princess and it fit me very well, but i couldn’t afford it. the husband (not the husband at the time, but we were living together) was with me and he offered to pay for the dress. sure, that’d be great and then i’d owe you something in return (not sure what that could be, since we were living together, it’s not like he could have robbed me of my soul).
we left the store without the dress b/c i could not bear the idea of taking his stupid premeditated money. the idea of the dress put me into a two day panic attack, going back and forth over the idea of him helping me pay for the dress. i called my spiritual advisors, family, friends, psychics, you name it.
i eventually gave in b/c i really wanted the dress, and he helped me pay for it.
from left; husband, me, bff’s in orlando our company christmas party 2001.
seven years later i would not react the same way. in fact, he’s the main breadwinner. there was a time that i would’ve rather died than to let something like that happen. i mean, who could live with the guilt or on a constant lookout for his “something in return” which was probably my freedom, my soul and god knows what else.
several months later, i went through a similar fiasco after he bought me an engagement ring.
i’m quite happy that i am no longer like that, altho i missed out on some really sweet opportunities to rob men of their money. i hope to make good use of it in my next lifetime.
Posted by leah 
Posted by leah 
