i am the dark horse

it will never not be a part of me.

it is a part of who i am, even today.

i had no choice in the matter, when fate decided it would imprint the stamp that will remain with me forever. that stamp that only others that know can see. and those that think it is an invitation to pass on their sick secrets.

i liken it to a family friend, except it’s closest to me. it shows me movies in my mind, it brings up smells, feelings, fears, making me want the ground to open up and pull me in. make me disappear. to avoid the feelings and sensations that it brings with each visit.

i have no control over it’s visits. i do have the ability to limit the damage.

there have been periods of freedom from it’s curse. having faced the monster and letting it know i am not one to be mettled with. i stopped running from it many years ago when i went head to head in full battle that lasted for three years.

three.

long.

years.

hiding under tables, telling a stranger the images and feelings i was experiencing. wondering quite often if staying around was a good idea since i am permanently stamped.

therapy is not for the weak in spirit.

i am the dark horse you did not fathom.

i will conquer this beast again. it will come out of hiding periodically just when it thinks it might take me over.

caught off guard, i fall slightly to the right and then to the left.

bobbing back upright, you do not own me i scream.

you. do. not. own. me.

yet,

you will always be a part of my design. that is what they all tell me. the professionals. i will never be fully rid of you.

i can however, not allow you to squeeze my life from me leaving me trapped in small room with things hoarding around me, afraid to step out. into the world.

no, you motherfucker you cannot have me. not this time.

i made a promise to her that i would never let anyone do it again.

and i will stand by that promise for here and hereafter.

no longer can you hurt us.

we embrace you with love into our arms.

those who are the hardest to love are those that need it the most.

silent bob, i love you

dear silent bob,

thank you so, so, very much for not being silent anymore. tonight, i watched you in the movie, “catch and release”.

YOU, sir are the very best part of the movie. i kid you not.

i beg of you to continue the whole acting thing in which you speak. not that you weren’t funny in the “jay and silent bob” gigs, b/c you totally were.

you make the world a better place with that whole speaking thing. you seriously need to host saturday night live ok? call them and make it happen.

sincerely yours,

piglet