angel sis doesn’t always understand my level of sensitivity. not that she is a rogue b/c she isn’t. she’s just practical and logical and not quite as emotional as i tend to be.
i love that about her.
sometimes? i hate that about her. hate is a strong word, so maybe loath would be better. yeah, that’ll do pig.
over the past couple of weeks “some hairs on the neck” have been raised between angel sis, me and our mom. i won’t go into particulars other than sometimes i am a brat. when i hit some kind of limit that isn’t seen to the outside world, i become a brat and retaliate.
things bother me, i don’t talk about it figuring i can just shake it off like the rest of you people out there can. but i can’t always do that.
i so fucking try, i do. i don’t want things to “bother” me, i swear to every god there is and every god you believe in, i try.
i’ve been told “you are too sensitive” FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. yeah, thanks for that diagnosis but it doesn’t help to change that about me. i’ve tried to rid myself of that burden over the years and it always ended up badly.
over the past few years, i’ve been trying to embrace that part of me (the sensitive part). not to try and shove it down so you won’t see it, but to make peace with it. to learn how to make good use of it in a world that really doesn’t give a shit about your “barely-there” layers.
a very old friend and lover many years ago described me as someone who “feels everything”. he said, “you feel every touch, every glance, every thought by other people”.
he was right. at first i tried to tough it out to show him he was wrong. but he wasn’t. he saw into to me for who i am. there are not many people in this world that can see into me. or even into you.
angel sis and i were trying to talk through some “stuff”. as the conversation was coming to a close, she said “i got it”. she said, “i have no filter for what comes out of me, and you have no filter for what comes in.”
i think i replied with, “you really fucking nailed it.”
i don’t push “it” down anymore like i used to. i do wonder, if maybe sometimes i should set it free. i cannot set it free anymore than i can set my head or heart free. i cannot set my sensitivity free.
it’s a gift. it’s my gift. and i will keep it.
Posted by leah 
